Marriage: Getting Freedom from Porn: 1000 Days ‘All Clear’

We sat together in Boston Pizza for lunch that day. He is a man’s man – dark, chiseled and shaved head. Though his identity will remain private, if you knew his demanding profession, you’d instantly hold him in great respect. He’s a good man too and a man of deep faith. But, he is also a man that has had to ‘come clean’ and come to terms with his problem with pornography. Our lunch symbolized a day of great celebration.

1000 days – all clear. You don’t have to guess what we are talking about.

Let me get you caught up. I am his counselor. He gave me permission to share his story.

When he and his wife came to me, their 10-year marriage was in ruins. His wife was understandably fed up. She was carrying a horrid and raw blend of anger, disgust and disappointment at his falling back into porn and other poor choices. Trust was a fading memory. Intimacy was long gone. She was tired of having to investigate both his public and private life. She was done. To her, the marriage was all but over. He began to grasp just how serious things were as she spilled her pain all over my office. You could see the fear on his face. He was coming to fully appreciate how deeply his life of sexual indiscretion was hurting her. But he loved her and didn’t want their marriage to end.

Her last chance ultimatum propelled him to a new level of commitment. Sadly, for too many men, this threat of loss doesn’t. He said he’d do whatever it would take to deal with his porn problem and start to win her back. He did.

1000 days – all clear. As part of my work with men trapped with sexual addiction, they are required to text me every night between 9:30 and 10 that they are “all clear”. By this, they are indicating a full 24 hours of not viewing anything pornographic or sensual or acting out in any sexually inappropriate way.

That day, we were celebrating his 1000^th day of freedom – nearly three years of reporting in – of being accountable daily. So I asked him, “Why do you think you’ve made it this far? What’s behind your 1000 days clean?” Here are his 8 observations in his order and uncut, of what he feels led to his victory over porn and the ravaging destruction it was having on his marriage.

1. I put God first in my life somehow every day. Whether it’s praying, reading the Bible, focusing on a verse or whatever, trusting the Lord daily makes all the difference in the world.
2. Fear of losing my wife and kids sobered me deeply. My wife was hurt and angry – really angry – and was done with my unfaithfulness. This consequence of not fully addressing my addiction was convicting and almost paralyzing. But fear alone only carried me so far.
3. I remember the devastation to my wife’s heart. She was so broken and so disappointed in me. The hurt I was causing her killed me. I love her and don’t want to cause pain and distrust again.
4. I have begun thinking differently about women. I am the father of three young girls. I hate the thought of them ever being the sexual target of a self-indulging male like women trapped in the sex industry. Someone’s daughter is being abused so porn can be created.
5. I rest in God and His grace. I know I don’t deserve the second chances from Him but I count on His unconditional love and forgiveness. I have noticed that the closer I get to Jesus in my spiritual walk, the less the sexual temptation weighs on me.
6. I am committed to becoming more sensitive. I want pure eyes and a clean heart. Our culture is so sex-saturated and I found that I had lost grip on how many ways I had let much of the “eye-candy” glancing and trashy talk slide. I now “bounce my eyes” away from anything close to questionable.
7. I love the respect I have gained from my wife. I feel the difference. It’s not only that she admires me for overcoming the porn. There’s more. We have a greater connection. Things aren’t perfect between us but I have hope now. I don’t want to lose her trust.
8. Breaking the silence was the key to my getting freedom. I couldn’t do it alone. I hated living the lie and having this dark secret. It was destroying my spiritual life. The shame and fear of discovery were massive. I had to tell someone. It took guts but I had to get help. I am so glad I did.

These are deeply compelling words from a man who’s regretfully been there – done that! He’s come out the other side so much stronger and freer. As his counselor, here are my own observations as to why he was able to secure a victory over pornography in his life.

1. His Humility: He was not too proud to ask for help and was fully willing to both listen and submit to wise coaching.
2. His Honesty: He completely owned the problem as unacceptable. He stopped justifying; he quit downplaying; he truly came clean. No more games, no more secrets and no more hiding the truth.
3. His Empathy: He really saw porn for what it is – sin and selfishness. He finally felt the deep hurt in his wife and the massive rift in their relationship. Being unfaithful in this way caused too much pain.
4. His Commitment: It did not matter what I asked him to do he worked hard on it. He was willing to do whatever it took to get freedom. He would pay the price to make the changes needed. He let me speak really straight on the issues. It was no longer cheap talk.
5. His Example: After over 2 years of being clean, he agreed to share his life and journey with a newlywed who had falling back into porn. He willingly gave back by holding this young man accountable and helping in his recovery. Mentoring strengthened his own commitment.
6. His Faith: He pressed in fully to God. He made the Lord priority and deepened his relationship with Him. He walked humbly with Jesus, always rejoiced with gratitude and consistently gave God the glory for the change.

I gave him a certificate like this to celebrate with him and confer my pride in his accomplishment. And yes, the name is not his.

We can help you become stronger. We have great resources, podcasts and articles to help couples fight the battle against porn in their marriage at www.DoingFamilyRight.com

At the time this went to press, my friend is nearing 1500 days all clear – that’s over 4 years now. Maybe it’s time for you or someone you love to start – “all clear – day 1”.

© Dr. Dave Currie – October 2015

Feature image used with permission: © fotolia.com/image #26430670/Steve Morvay.